New Girl 4.07: "Goldmine"

“I’m terrible at lying. I’m terrific at make-believe, okay? But I need to know some backstory because it’s very important.”
-Nick

I wouldn’t say there’s really a theme to tie together this episode of “New Girl.” It was mostly a conglomeration of the wacky hijinks of immature early 30-somethings. One thing I did appreciate was that the three kind of disparate plots did intersect at several points in the episode. I do wish, however, that “New Girl” would only try to tackle two stories in an episode. I feel this way about most comedies, actually. You can’t do justice to three stories in a little over twenty minutes. The A story in this episode addressed a pretty major complication of the Nick/Jess breakup. They both still live together, and that’s a major turnoff to potential new relationships. I did appreciate that, as disjointed as the episode could be, it did acknowledge one fundamental problem I have with “New Girl” these days. These folks should have grown the hell up already. By the end, Nick and Jess realize they’re the “crazy assclowns” their dates complain about to their friends, and they’re probably right.

The episode opens with Jess informing the rest of the roomies that she has a third date with a guy named Ian that night. The third date is when she’s willing to have sex, so she’s really excited about getting some for the first time since the breakup with Nick. Nick warns her, however, that this might be easier said than done. He has had a bunch of dates ruined recently by telling the lady that he still lives with his ex. We’re even treated to a montage of woman after woman leaving Nick’s bed, disgusted with the fact that he still lives with Jess. There’s a woman in the present day, too, who chooses that moment to appear and even steals stuff before leaving. Jess thinks that because Ian is super mature, she just needs to tell him the truth, and he’ll be cool.

Meanwhile, Coach and Winston meet up on the elevator, and Winston is diligently sorting through mail. When Coach finds out that Winston is doing this for their neighbors, two attractive ladies, he is disappointed that Winston has been waiting so long to cash in on all those favors he has been doing. Winston insists he’s playing the long game, and he hopes that constantly being nice and doing favors will eventually get him a date. As the favors keep piling up (we eventually see Winston even hanging some shelves in the neighbors’ loft), Coach is more convinced than ever that Winston needs to strike while the iron is hot. All Coach has to do is tell the ladies “I’m not here to do chores,” and they instantly agree to hang out with him that evening.

For the C plot, Jess and Cece are having a conversation about Cece wanting to get a breast reduction to ease some back pain, and Schmidt overhears. Schmidt, as you would expect, is not at all happy. Even though he’s been Cece’s ex for a while, he’s still extremely attached to her. And her boobs, apparently. Throughout the episode, he goes through the five stages of grief. Cece keeps assuring Schmidt that she’s only going for a consultation, she hasn’t actually decided to do the surgery yet, but Schmidt is still freaked out. It’s kind of ridiculous, really.

Anyway, during the hangout at the neighbor apartment, Schmidt drops by and starts going on and on about how he’s going to miss Cece’s boobs. The neighbor ladies, however, think he’s talking about how he’s going to miss Coach and Winston when they go away. Coach convinces Winston to try and play this up. They try to convince the ladies that they are going away for 44 weeks on a sock-selling business trip. The ladies, thankfully, realize how ridiculous this sounds, and they kick Winston and Coach to the curb. Winston tries to get back in their good graces with the aforementioned shelf hanging, and when Coach sees this, he gives the ladies a talking-to. He tells them it isn’t fair to keep using Winston for all these chores and not give him sex. Which is really very gross when you think about it. The ladies agree and rock paper scissor for who will have to do the deed. Which is even more gross. The loser acts like she doesn’t mind having sex with Winston, maybe she’s actually into it, but the whole thing just felt gross.

Jess and Ian are wrapping up their dinner when Jess suggests they end the date at her place. Ian is willing until Jess springs the big “I live with my ex” on him. He definitely has misgivings. Jess tries to come up with a quick save, and her idea is to tell Ian that Nick is actually gay. She has to quick get Nick to play along. He promises he’ll be better at this than he usually is at their schemes, because it’s make-believe and not lying. At first, he actually does do pretty well. He has Ian mostly convinced, at least. The trouble arises the next morning. He tells Jess that he actually had a girl over that night. If Ian sees the lady, Nick’s cover will be blown.

Jess and Nick try their darndest to get Nick’s lady friend to leave, but it’s no go. Jess even goes out of her way to play the psycho ex. Nick’s still better than this chick’s previous 80-year-old boyfriend, though, so she’s sticking around. Eventually, Ian starts to get a little suspicious anyway. He tells Nick that Nick doesn’t really seem gay. Plus Nick is sweating a lot, as he always does when asked to lie. Just as Nick is about to cave, Schmidt walks in, continuing to lament Cece’s boobs. Nick plays the whole thing to make it sound like he and Schmidt are in a relationship, and Ian buys it. The whole thing is kind of brilliantly bizarre. Jess eventually tells Ian the truth, though, and he hightails it out of there.

Cece goes for her consultation, and in the middle of the appointment, Schmidt bursts in saying he wants to stop the surgery. The doctor leaves Schmidt and Cece alone, and Schmidt asks Cece if he can say goodbye to her boobs. He makes Cece put in headphones with music appropriate for the mood while he has the goodbye conversation. Cece cheats just long enough to hear Schmidt say that he doesn’t care what size her boobs are, because she’ll always be beautiful. I guess we’re on our way to a rekindling of the Schmidt and Cece romance.

At the end of the episode, the roomies are waiting in line to use the shower. They think Winston is the one taking up so much time. That’s when Jess and Nick have the conversation about how they must be the weirdoes their dates always tell stories about. Which is probably true. Because they are in their freaking 30s and live in a loft with four other people. Including exes. Then Winston enters the bathroom and everyone realizes that he’s not the one they have been waiting for. It’s Nick’s lady friend. She has no problem with the loft living situation and wants to know if it’s okay if she urinates in the shower. Jess tells Nick he’d better marry her. I’m not so sure.