New Girl 4.04: "Micro"

“I have a question. Do you know of a website called Ass Chat, and do you know if it’s socially conscious?”
-Jess

While “Micro” continued the trend of rather shallow episodes of “New Girl” for season 4, I liked it more than most episodes this season. Surprisingly, the best part about it was Damon Wayans, Jr. He was allowed to really be funny in a more physical way, and I finally got to see that he is talented. Other than Wayans’ performance, though, I can’t say I loved this one. While they tend to be some of the show’s most popular episodes, I’m not generally a fan of “New Girl” episodes that have an awkwardness-about-sex theme. I know it’s a minority opinion, but it just doesn’t jive with my sense of humor. This episode had some sex-related awkwardness combined with Jess being especially self-righteous, so it just didn’t work for me. If other people loved it, more power to them.

The episode opens with the whole gang at the bar where Nick and Cece work. The guys are having a pretty disgusting conversation about their preferred boob type. A slightly toned down version of the conversation with maybe at least one of the guys providing an opposing viewpoint would have been nice. Unfortunately, the only opposing view point is Jess, and she kind of overstates her case. She is horrified at how shallow the guys are being, and she refuses to continue sitting with them. She gets up and finds herself at the table of a very attractive guy named Matt. She doesn’t care what he says because he’s pretty, and she immediately agrees to go out with him. He tells her there’s a caveat, though. He’s got a micropenis. Determined to prove she’s not as shallow as the guys, Jess says that won’t be a problem. She cares more about personality.

Back at the apartment, the guys sit around a laptop to learn all about micropenises, and they are horrified at the concept. They can’t believe Jess could possibly be okay with it, but Jess continues to insist that she is. They end up making a bet about whether Jess will be able to stand dating Matt for a whole month. If she does, the guys have to donate $500 to the National Organization for Women’s Love Your Body campaign. If she doesn’t, she has to buy the guys the porn subscription of their choice. Their choice happens to be a website called “Ass Chat.” I can’t even tell you how much I was *headdesk*-ing throughout this whole mess.

Jess goes on her date with Matt, and she quickly discovers that not only does he have a micropenis, he’s also an incredible douche. While kind of kills the whole “I would be happy with a guy with a micropenis if he has a good personality” thing. Because he doesn’t even have a good personality. At different points in their conversation, he refers to himself as a “warrior poet” and a “street artist.” He shows of his tattoos right there in the restaurant, and he tries to tip the waiter with a drawing. So yeah, after all her hemming and hawing, Jess doesn’t really like Matt’s personality after all.

Meanwhile, the Schmidt and Coach are all moping around the bar, wondering why Jess is perfectly happy to go out with a dude with a micropenis when their average or well-endowed selves can’t score a date at all. We know Winston loves him some practical jokes, so with Cece’s help (she’s tending bar), he tries to convince Schmidt and Coach to try modeling. Cece even says she’ll send some pictures to her agent. The gang then rushes home for a photo session. Cece tries taking model-y photos, but the photos are actually all pretty horrible. Winston and Cece, however, decide to keep the gag running. It’s a “classic Winston and Cece mess-around,” the joke being that Winston and Cece have never actually pulled a practical joke together before.

Jess tries to get out of the date with Matt and the bet, but Nick says he’s not going to let her off the hook. Jess then tries to break things off with Matt knowing that it means she’ll lose the bet, and she makes it clear that it isn’t the micropenis, it’s his personality (I don’t know if that’s any easier of a let-down, really). Matt says that he’s actually a douche because of the micropenis. Apparently he got bullied a lot as a kid, and he’s been compensating for it ever since. Jess feels bad, but she goes through with breaking it off anyway. She really just can’t stand the dude.

Back at the loft, Jess is in the process of buying Nick a VIP pass to ass chat when they are interrupted by Schmidt and Coach arguing over who has the better modeling portfolio. In the course of the argument, Coach and Schmidt start picking at each other’s flaws. For Schmidt, it’s the tiny nipples (what else would it be!), and for Coach, it’s his tiny waist. Jess interrupts and says that everyone has flaws. She realizes that even she herself is not better than any of the other roommates. She wants to be better, though, so she tries to go apologize to Matt. She starts to show Matt her trick knee (her main physical flaw), when none other than Matt’s girlfriend appears on the scene. She understandably pitches a fit and storms out of Matt’s apartment, kicking a painting as she goes (which was actually kind of funny). Jess turns down Matt for good, and in the process she sees the micropenis (and is probably even happier about her decision).

Schmidt is still set on getting modeling gigs, and he is really agonizing over the perfect photo to send to Cece’s agent. Cece has told Schmidt and Coach that her agent is only taking on one new client, so Schmidt and Coach think they’re in a competition. Coach sees how much this means to Schmidt, so he offers the chance to him. At that point, Coach realizes that Cece and Winston were actually just messing with them. He has a stern conversation with the pranksters where he tells them that they need to make things right with Schmidt. Winston and Cece end up paying for a billboard with Schmidt’s photo on it in Korea town. They tell him that it’s for an organization that supports Korean – Jew cultural relations. Coach also makes them give Schmidt cash, too. And poor Schmidt is none the wiser.